


Dedicate your heart [to me]

by Kaydalen



Series: Devote your hearts [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Blood and Gore, Canon-Typical Violence, Drama & Romance, F/F, Female Reader, Fluff, Gender-Neutral Hange Zoë, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Other, Reader-Insert, Reunions, Season 3 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 17:28:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28746936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaydalen/pseuds/Kaydalen
Summary: "We all should dedicate our hearts to beProud and be strong untilThe end will tear us apart"Before they had met things had been easier, simpler. Live and die for the cause, live and die for humanity. The Survey Corps' success, as small as it might be, will make sure your death would never be in vain. And Hange had been fine with that.But then their priorities had shifted as she had been thrust in their life. And suddenly things weren't that simple anymore.[Alternative Ending/Alternative Version for my "Dedicate your heart" FF]
Relationships: Hange Zoë & Reader, Hange Zoë/Reader
Series: Devote your hearts [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2108616
Comments: 8
Kudos: 79
Collections: aot need to read





	Dedicate your heart [to me]

**Author's Note:**

> Hange is gender neutral, Reader is female. There won't be any placeholders for names I'm seeing in all the other Reader insert stories, because I find them very distracting. I try to use nicknames or simple pronouns to refer to the Reader, to not disturb the flow of reading.

"This is it, isn't it?"

You didn't even have to turn your head to see who was approaching you, standing firmly beside you on top of the Wall Maria protecting Shiganshina, facing the dozen dark silhouettes of Titans on the horizon. Still, nearly calm, but restless at the same time. Threatening. The enormous Beast Titan in their midst towered them all, a slender arm lazily scratching his ear. They observed you and your fellow soldiers like the hunter it's prey. Not quite ready to strike, but watchful of every move.

Goosebumps traveled up your arms, your neck, until it seemed to be tickling your scalp.

"Yeah", Hange breathed, "This is it." You had trouble catching their words, which nearly got stuck in their throat. Your fingers tightened the grip on the little patch of wings stitched to your uniform jacket; a proof of your service, proof of your devotion. After all these years the emblem was tattered and patchy, the bright colors faded, now painted with dry blood. It was a quite poor attempt of a salute you had tried to offer your Section Commander and for a brief moment shame overpowered the very concise fear controlling your thoughts.

"I wish you

_didn't have to go."_

_Hange barely managed to peel their eyes away from the pages of the book they had been absorbed in for the last few hours as your words shattered the silence. Chocolate colored hair framed their face baring a curious expression. Their 3D maneuver gear had mostly been peeled of their body, straps dangling from their shoulders, softly clinging as they shifted their weight._  
_"Pardon, what did you say?"_  
_You were aware you had muttered these words under your breath, talking to yourself rather than to your partner sitting on the bed next to you. The only thing separating your bodys was a pile of paper and books and ink you both had been sharing tonight. Finishing your mission reports together had been a habit you wouldn't want to miss anymore._

_A blush crept up your neck and the fingers clutching the quill were shaking, resulting in a very horrible execution of your signature on the front page of your last mission's report. Suddenly you had been sucked dry of all the confidence which had caused you to let these words slip in the first place. Suddenly you were not so sure anymore if you really wanted to have this conversation, really wanted to let this rather serious topic dampen the lazy mood, but at the same time you felt yourself going more crazy by the day by bottling it up._

_You took a deep shaky breath._

_"I said, I wish you didn't have to attend this stupid mission tomorrow", you repeated your words, much more audible this time and dared to shoot the Section Commander a glance, "It smells fishy and I don't like it."_  
_"Now, now, shorty", they cackled, obviously not reading the room and a soft smirk rested on their lips, "Is that distrust in my abilities, that I can hear there?"_  
_"Would you stop calling me that?", you couldn't help but remark, "The Captain wants his nickname back, think of another one."_  
_"But I find it more fitting for this Captain right here."_  
_"I'm not a Captain yet and you know that."_  
_"Won't be much longer though."_  
_"Could you please stop changing the subject?" With a strong and frustrated lunge you toppled the small tower of documents in between your midst and scattered them on the dirty floor._

_Silence._

_Your hand, which had been holding the quill until just a second ago, now clenched to a fist. Your heart was close to penetrating and breaking right through your ribcage, if it pounded just a little harder. Eyes focusing the Section Commander, who's face bore a surprised, maybe shocked, expression. Splatters of blue ink decorated their white shirt. The abandoned straps of their gear had slid down their shoulders and onto the mattress._

_Their playful banter used to be refreshing and usually cheered you up, but right in this moment you felt like they weren't taking you and your worries seriously. But now, that you had caught their undivided attention with your sudden outburst, which had quite surprised you yourself, you couldn't help but let the words run of your mouth._

_"Every time you leave", you confessed, your eyes now focused on the floor decorated with your work from the last hours, rather than on the face of your best friend and partner, "I'm scared you won't make it back, Hange. I'm downright terrified. That one day, you won't be sitting on top of your horse, with just a pair of bruises and that stupid smile, but laying in one of those damned carts underneath some white sheets."_

_You had tried to control your emotions as much as possible, but as soon as you started to imagine this scenario in your head again, hot tears burned in the corner of your eyes and your throat escaped a sob you weren't able to contain. These thoughts had occupied your mind for way too long. These fears held your heart hostage since the day you had noticed those budding feelings you were developing for your superior - which they would never return. Life and death, failure and victory - before every mission the Survey Corps ventured on someone seemed to be rolling the dice to decide what the Titans and their horrors had in store for them this time._

_And again and again you feared to see the outcome._

_"Or rather what's left of you."_

_Your mind pushed a picture of a bloodied and broken corpse right before your very eyes. Glasses shattered, now wet auburn hair clinging to their forehead. Eyes empty, their spark gone. Staring up at the blue sky._

_Hange didn't answer._

_"I wouldn't know how to go on. Without you."_

_You didn't mean to say it. Not like that. Voice heavy with affection, heavy with love._  
_You didn't mean to lay your heart and emotions out bare in front of them._  
_You didn't mean, didn't want to, feel so vulnerable and embarrassed. But at the same time a small part of you was relieved. To finally be free of it. Of the fear and the pain, the guilt of hiding these words behind a wall, the worry to be chaining them down with shame and insecurity, until Hange wasn't there to hear them anymore._

_The light of the flickering candle on the bedside table reflected the Section Commander's spotted glasses. Then their lips curled to a sad smile._

_" -your heart." Quietly, barely audible._  
_"Pardon?"_  
_"Dedicate your heart", they repeated, clearer this time, "Be ready to die for the sake of humanity. That's what we agreed to when we joined the Survey Corps, right?"_  
_A defeated sigh escaped their lips. Their voice was firm, but their eyes signaled some kind of inner conflict. "What we do is so much bigger than our lives. If I have to die to launch humanity just a step forward, then I'm more than ready to do so."_  
_Your fingers grasped the winged patch right above your heart as it skipped a beat at their words. Your head started spinning. Deep within your heart you knew that they were right._  
_"I understand." Defeat and worry colored your voice, "I'm ... I'm sorry I brought it up."_  
_"Don't be. I didn't say I was asking for it. None of us is, right?"_

_Slender fingers suddenly brushed your chin and gently angled it upwards. As soon as your eyes met their dark orbs, swirling with emotions you weren't quite able to place, you broke out in cold sweat. A smile still rested on their lips._  
_"Thank you for telling me", they whispered, thumb brushing over your skin and it felt like they were setting it on fire, "That was rather heartwarming coming from you, I have to admit."_  
_"Jerk", you croaked and desperately tried to get rid of this lump caught in your throat._  
_Hange's features softened._  
_"I used to think a lot about what it would feel like", they shared, "To not only be ready to live and die for the cause, but to fight to stay alive for someone you care about. To not only have a reason to leave the walls, but to have a reason to come back."_  
_Your faces were dangerously close, foreheads almost touching and you could have sworn strains of their messy hair tickled your skin. They smelled like ash and damp wood._  
_"And lately it's all I can think about. It's really ... messing up this whole 'Dedicate your heart' thing. I guess that makes me a hypocrite."_  
_"Does that mean there is someone like that for you?", you dared to ask, strongly hypnotized by your superior being this close your mind barely registered these words leaving your mouth._

_"Guess."_

_Slowly Hange closed the distance between you to catch your lips in a kiss._

You barely noticed those words leaving your mouth, voice breaking right at the last syllable. As much as you wanted to lock your eyes with your partner right next to you, their body seemingly emitting a warmth you carved so badly, you wouldn't want them to notice. To notice the fear in your eyes, your quivering lip, the furrowed brows. To hear the fear scratching at the insides of your mind, crying out for help.

You had been dating for some time now, had grown older, wiser, yet nothing had changed.

"Me too."

A hand brushed yours, fingers reaching out and lacing with yours to give a comforting squeeze. You could barely contain the tears burning in your eyes.

Erwin had just given the command, there was no turning back. Hange would join the Squad appointed to fight inside of Shiganshina, while you would lead the defense of your horses, your only escape route, with Levi right on the other side of the wall. Directly facing the Beast Titan and his army. You weren't sure if he had noticed how much it had pained you to agree, to follow his orders, to trust his decision, while you clearly had spotted the worry swirling in his eyes.

But it pained you the most to be separated from Hange with the stakes being this high.

For what it felt like hours you didn't speak, acted like the desperation and the panic, the fear of the unknown, the fear of death, wasn't able to face you. Though there were so many thoughts swirling around in your head, so many words left to say, yet you couldn't manage to even form one sentence out of them you would not be embarrassed to say out loud. They were cheesy. Stupid even. 'Please don't die', 'Don't do anything stupid', 'I will miss you', 'Stay with me'. It wouldn't feel right. You didn't want to treat this like some sort of goodbye.

"It will turn out alright."

Hange was the first one to speak again and as you finally shot them a glance you noticed their stern face focusing the Titan army on the horizon. "Erwin has a plan, he always has." They forced a small smile on their lips. "Besides, he knows better than to not watch out for my favorite Captain."

With these words they managed to draw out a quiet laugh from your throat. "Which Captain are we talking about?"

"Guess."

Memories came crashing down on you as their shaky voice repeated those very words from that special evening they had confessed to you. It held so many memories, so many emotions, not only for you, but for them as well, so it was no surprise you witnessed them nearly choking on them. And just like back then the Section Commander brought their face closer to yours, cheeks meeting and then planted a kiss to the corner of your lips. Their open displays of affection never failed to draw a reaction from you, so you let out a quiet sigh, finally managed to loosen the fist still curled to a silent salute and reached out instead to hold their face in place for a brief second, fingers gently caressing skin.

Hange let out a quiet hum of approval and properly caught your lips this time. Fire spread from your face down your entire body, caused your limbs to tingle. A hand slid around your waist to pull you closer, to feel more of you, but before you could loose yourself in the sensation and forget where you were, a gunshot reminded you quite painfully of the cruel reality. The green flare passed both of your forms, being shot from someone at the very bottom of the wall, the shell trailing a tail of bright particles showering you. With this signal the Survey Corps soldiers awoke from their daze, readying equipment, restraining horses, getting ready to fight.

Getting ready to die.

Reluctantly the Section Commander and you separated, though your hands were still clasped together. Even though they had tried to cheer you up you were able to spot the fear, the worry, in their eyes as well, which caused you to feel uneasy again. Restless.

You took a deep breath and slowly freed your fingers from Hange's gentle grasp to stand tall. With force your fist beat your chest in a firm salute. "Dedicate your heart!" Back then in your room hearing these words from Hange felt right, but now, on the battlefield, you couldn't help but feel like mimicking the Commander.

At first your partner was surprised, shocked even, hearing you shout these words colored with deep meaning for the both of you. You were sure they would remember, were sure they would get what you were trying to convey, since you were unable to speak those very words yourself.

Let me be the reason for you to come back.

After the hesitation was gone a hand grabbed tightly onto their jacket, jaw grinding, a foot finding a more secure stance, eyes swimming in tears.

"Dedicate your heart!"

Hange gripped the rein of their horse tighter as they navigated through debris, pools of blood, broken down equipment and dismembered bodies. Empty eyes staring, bloody hands with not enough fingers pointing accusingly. Their stomach was close to turning, but they couldn't allow to tune out the countless corpses of fallen Survey Corps soldiers, as much as they wanted to. They were forced to look, they had to examine, had to face death and their own burning guilt and fear.

A suicide mission.

Erwin had sacrificed every last one of his soldiers, including himself, to give Levi an opportunity to kill the Beast Titan. They had been obliterated fast. Torn to shreds by a devastating rain of crushed boulders. There was nothing they could have done, there hadn't been enough time since they had been fighting their own cruel battles right on the other side of the wall.

Everyone had been unaware of what had happened until it was already too late.

The Section Commander wasn't sure if she had already known when she had saluted to them so proudly, so forcefully; or was it desperation? Suddenly they couldn't tell anymore. Had her face shown fear for them or her own life? Maybe both? Had her hand in theirs been shaking and been drenched in cold sweat because she was very much aware it would be the last time they would be able to feel each other?

They felt dizzy. Sick. Anxiety clouded their mind and their sight and their empty eye socket throbbed painfully, blood seeped through the bandages, running down their cheek. She couldn't be dead. She couldn't be. Not after everything they had been through. Not after everything they had done, had been forced to do, to return to her. Before they had met things had been easier, simpler. Live and die for the cause, live and die for humanity. The Survey Corps' success, as small as it might be, will make sure your death would never be in vain. And they had been fine with that. Had even embraced it. Had jumped on every opportunity to be reckless, to be careless, just to achieve a sliver of information, just to kill one of countless Titans.

But then their priorities had shifted as she had been thrust in their life. Suddenly it felt wrong to leave the walls and being prepared to die. Suddenly they were more concerned about this person they left behind if they perished, than putting their life on the line for a mission already doomed to fail. Was it wrong? Was it treason? But why had it felt so right then every time they returned to watch this relieved smile curl her lips as soon as she spotted them among the soldiers. How she tried to make it look casual as she approached them, greeted them with a bad joke they scolded themselves for not remembering. How her hand felt when she reached out just to make sure they were really back.

It had truly felt like coming home and not just downtime until the next mission.

Now everything was about to turn for the worst. Even with Bertholdt dead and Reiner severely crippled, Erwin and most of the scouts were dead. The responsibility as well as the burden of rebuilding now rested on their own shoulders, as the chain of command demanded. Hange Zoë, the next Commander. They caught themselves imagining if she would approve of it. They guessed she would probably just laugh and joke about them having to be more careful now where and in front of who they publicly displayed their affection - something they both usually couldn't help. Meaningful looks in the dining hall, fingers, hands and knees brushing underneath the table, stolen kisses during practice.

Hange would agree at first, of course, swear solemnly even, but then take every possible opportunity to make her feel embarrassed in front of her peers, just to see that shy smile of hers. "You are the worst", she would scold them, but not fight against the arm circling her waist, the chin on her shoulder, secretly reveling in the attention, her heart bursting with pride to be the person the Section Commander called to be closest to.

Why were they remembering all these things now? Why were they daydreaming in a moment like that? It's not like it was over, it wasn't like they wouldn't meet again. It wasn't like all these things were not able to happen anymore. Them and what was left of the Survey Corps would find her, they surely wouldn't leave without her. She was just hurt, buried underneath debris, probably already waiting to be rescued by Hange cause she couldn't do it herself, their strength devoured by the lengthy and cruel battle they had to endure. Even if this thought alone was already enough to cause them to shiver, they couldn't lose hope. Surely they would patch her up, they would -

"Commander Hange."

The stern voice of a soldier brought them back to reality and they followed the sound to watch him stand not too far on the very edge of the battlefield, close to were the Beast Titan had waited to make his move. Only very few had made it this far out, because it had meant to dodge countless attacks and suffer through countless deaths of fellow soldiers again and again. The top of the spear. The best of the best.

And still destined to perish.

Hange's stomach turned as they dismounted and closed the distance on legs refusing their services. Stepped carefully over some demolished pieces of debris and nearly lost their balance. Their eye was glued to the small body laying on it's side at the soldiers feet, mostly covered by it's own cape, the winged emblem on the green fabric bloody and torn and riddled with holes. The Commander didn't dare to ask the question sitting on the top of their tongue, as the soldier knelt down to press two fingers on a bruised neck: 'Is it her? Is she alive?' Because the pain of the answer they feared to hear dared to choke them.

They stopped. Remained at a respectful distance to the body. All of their muscles tensed. Silence polluted the air between them.

"It's the Captain, Commander", he finally informed them, hope colored his voice, "She survived."

A wave of relief which threatened to crush them washed over Hange and their hand curled to a fist to stop it from shaking. She survived. His words echoed in their head, swirled down their throat and forced them to spill a quiet "Bless the walls". As hard as they had tried to convince themselves that they would find her alive, as small had their hope actually been. Deep inside their mind had scolded them for taking the risk of staying optimistic and not listening to reason at all. Had scolded them for snapping at Levi for handing them a winged patch, supposedly belonging to her, telling them 'Let her go', as he had tried to stop them from searching for her on the battlefield.

'That's not what she wanted'.

Everyone had been wiped out, they had witnessed all the corpses, had witnessed all the death and destruction and pain, why would she be any different? Why would destiny be merciful to just her, but nobody else? But they didn't want to believe it. Didn't want to accept it all to be over. All this time they had been fighting with themselves and now, that both of their halves which had been in conflict, finally merged together again, reached a consensus, they finally came to their senses. Finally were able to think rationally - like the Commander representing the Survey Corps was expected to.

Everything that mattered right in this moment was her well being. Her survival.

"How is she?", the Commander asked, composed, pushed all those other feelings swirling around in that head of theirs far back into their mind to collect later and hurried closer to kneel down in the mud besides their fallen lover. They couldn't prevent a pained groan to fall from their lips, as they noticed her battered up face. Blood had splattered over her skin, hiding blue and green and purple bruises covering her cheeks. Her nose seemed to be broken and her eyelids were fluttering, like she was dreaming and not able to escape a particular horrifying nightmare. "She's weak", the soldier informed her, not taking his eyes off the Captain's form as well, "We should get her out of here quick." Hange noticed him staring, like he was hypnotized. They couldn't blame him. The Survey Corps had basically been wiped out. Any survivor they would find signaled hope, broke through the dark despair filling their hearts like a flare.

"Then what are you waiting for?", the Commander snapped, their voice harsher than they had intended it to be, "Go inform the others! She needs medical attention right away"  
"Yes, Commander!"  
Hastily the soldier stumbled back on his feet, nearly tripped over the leg of a corpse on his way and leaped on the back of his horse to hurry back to Shiganshina. The other survivors were still resting on top of the wall, tending and licking their wounds - probably waiting for the Commander to return. The Captain was in bad shape. There was no way they would be able to move her such a far distance without her losing too much blood. Without taking the risk of her dying right in their arms. Hange could barely stop the tears from filling their eyes just by thinking about it.

She had to survive their trip back to Trost. She just had to.

Hange took a deep breath and brought their now undivided attention back to their partner. All they could do while they waited was to give her the best treatment they could manage in their current situation. Or at least distract her from the pain, as much as this was even possible. They dared to unbutton the cape which was draped over her shoulders, fingers slightly trembling. It seemed to stick quite persistently to her back, glued to it by various body fluids, which forced them to stabilize her body to remove it properly, tug the last few centimeters from underneath her. Her body was as cold as ice, shivering. Her jacket was tatty, the straps of her 3D maneuvering gear snapped at some places and she had lost one of her blade sheaths, the remaining one clearly dented. Carefully Hange removed the heavy and now useless piece of metal from her hip to give her more room to breath. Memories of how the both of them had polished it just a few weeks ago and how they had scolded her for not properly maintaining her gear came back to them and with a sad smile their thumb brushed over the deep scrape they had been most furious about. It had turned into a full blown crack, revealing the shattered insides. 'Hear who's talking', she had snickered as a comeback, 'When was the last time you have showered without me reminding you?' Just watching the fake indignation reach their face and color their cheeks with a pinkish color had caused her to yell with laughter. Their heart felt full whenever they were able to make her laugh like that - on purpose or not.

But now the Commanders chest suddenly felt too tight. Like there wasn't enough space for all the air their lungs demanded.

Would they ever be able to hear her laugh again like that?

Quickly they folded the cape crumbled into their fist and placed it underneath the Captains head. With as much care as possible they turned her body so she was laying on her back. A flow of blood seeped from their nose, but they managed to wipe it away with the back of their hand before it reached her lips. They were sure they caught a silent pained groan as her spine connected with the ground. "I know it hurts", they whispered, grimacing as they took in her sight fully, "Just hold on a little longer, alright?" She was covered in mud and guts and dirt, the part of her abdomen right above her hip was covered with bloody wounds underneath their torn shirt. It signaled them that they had taken a direct hit from a - luckily quite small - batch of stones which had still nearly pierced her whole. One of her legs was obviously bent and unusable.

It was a miracle she was still alive.

"You should have told me", they scolded her and ripped their own cape off their shoulders, "I would have never let you run into certain death like that." Mindfully they started to apply pressure to the deep cuts caused by the debris the Beast Titan had used as projectiles, to at least try to stop the bleeding. Beneath their palms they could sense her heartbeat, could feel how the organ weakly pumped blood through her veins, just to lose way too much of it halfway. It didn't take very long for Hange's cape to be soaked deep red and their fingers to be stained. Panic crept up their insides, caused them to sweat, to feel dizzy.

_Dedicate your heart._

Her last statement still echoed in their head. All the questions they had already asked themselves earlier started to surface again. Though this time another statement emerged with it, clung to it like a parasite; Give your life for the sake of humanity. It was what they had told her themselves, the night they had confessed to each other. Hange remembered how conflicted she had been. About her motivations, about her will to actually die for the sake of humanity, to pull through with what she had committed to initially the day she had joined the Survey Corps. She was a Captain, she surely had to feel some sense of devotion for the cause. But ever since the both of them had become so close the line had started to blur. Her affection had caused her to have second thoughts, to hesitate, she had entrusted them with her worries more than once. And the Commander would be lying if they didn't admit to have similar thoughts. It had made their relationship quite difficult at times, tense even, not knowing if the other valued their own life more or the mission they had dedicated their hearts to.

But right in this moment, her weak and broken body right underneath their fingertips, the sight of agony clouding her features, Hange felt guilty. For ever having these thoughts. For ever even thinking about putting their mission first and the people second. Putting her second. They were the Commander now, they were calling the shots and they would never let something like this happen again.

A sob got stuck in their throat, as they witnessed their partner take a rattling breath, lips quivering, forming words. A word. A name.

"Hange ...?"

Anxiety and sorrow, guilt and pain threatened to paralyze them. Suddenly they had trouble finding a balance between applying just enough and too much pressure to her wound. After everything that had happened, the suicide mission and all these deaths right in front of her eyes, being on the brink of death, their name was the first thing that came to her mind. The first sound falling from her lips.

Hange's heart throbbed painfully.

"Don't worry, shorty, I'm here", they breathed, torn between keeping a lookout for the help to arrive, they needed so desperately and to keep their eye glued to their lover, "Stay awake, listen to my voice."  
She mumbled something inaudible as an answer, eyes fluttering, struggling to crack them open. Her chest heaved heavily.  
"Don't talk", they stressed and turned the blood soaked cape on the other side. They could tell she had trouble staying conscious, had trouble focusing on their words, maybe didn't trust her ears. She had to conserve her last strength if she wanted to even have a shot at making it through this. "Just ... listen. You will be alright, you hear me? You will be

_alright", you assured him, shot the soldier nervously shifting on the saddle of his horse beside you a quick glance, "It will be fine." You could spot the sweat sticking to his forehead, noticed his lip quivering, eyes darting around in panic. His mount surely noticed his anxiety as well, huffed and neighed, stomping it's hooves. He didn't grant you an answer, probably didn't even hear you, was lost in his own thoughts, staring at the backs of countless soldiers before him, around him. Waiting for Erwin's order, keeping a look out for the green flare signaling them to charge right into the Titan army. Signaling them to turn into easy targets for the boulders that had been showering their defenses._

_All the other human devouring monsters were towered by the Beast Titan's dark silhouette, who loomed at the horizon like the devil itself._

_A suicide mission. Humanities last reserve, it's last push, it's last battle. Every Survey Corps soldier was destined to die as cannon fodder. Were burdened with the desperate task of being used as a distraction, to give Levi an opportunity to make as much as a dent into the Beast Titans neck. Ranks didn't mean anything anymore. It didn't matter if you were a Captain, a Commander, a simple soldier, Garrison or Military Police._

_Right in this moment all of you were labeled as bait._

_Absentmindedly your tongue licked over your lips. They were chapped and sore from picking on them. A habit you were unable to get rid of whenever you were nervous or stressed, no matter how many times Hange had gently grabbed your wrist to get you to stop._

Hange.

_"Stop telling them lies." A deep voice prevented you from swirling down this mental rabbit hole of emotions and worries, with your partner being at it's center. Stopped you from letting your thoughts wander and getting distracted yourself. As you lifted your head to follow the sound you weren't surprised to spot Levi approaching you, pushing through the crowd of soldiers barely giving him enough room to maneuver. His words startled you._

_"What do you mean?", you croaked, your throat dry._  
_"Don't play dumb", he snapped and stopped right in front of your horse, brushing over it's nose. You couldn't help but physically flinch as he focused you with this stern glance. "They're not going to be alright. They're going to die and you know it."_  
_You felt sick. Your sweaty palms rubbed nervously over your mount's fur._  
_"Is it wrong trying to give them hope?", you asked, even though you already knew the answer. You knew he was right._  
_You spoke these words you didn't believe yourself._  
_You spoke these words to deny the fate awaiting you and the others, to somehow make it less painful._  
_To somehow make it not happen._

Hange.

_Again their name wriggled itself free from the mental restraint you had desperately tried to put around your thoughts, to keep them bottled up, to not get overwhelmed. As soon as the part of your mind being aware of your destiny and that part smoldering with love and affection for your partner clashed, you were certain you would break down. How many times had you expressed your concerns for Hange's recklessness? How many times had you asked them for advice if something like that was ever going to happen? 'I will never let it happen, promise', they had mumbled into your ear, to calm you down, to properly avoid the question they didn't know the answer to themselves._

_Now you found yourself in a life-threatening situation you were not able to escape anymore. Not one of your talks with you partner could have prepared you for something like that. Lastly it didn't come down to if you wanted to offer your life for the Survey Corps or not, at this point you didn't even have a choice._

_"Hey, shitface, stop dreaming!" A smack on your knee brought you back to reality and you found yourself facing a quite annoyed Captain Levi, "And listen to me. There is no need to give them false hope. It will only make their deaths much more painful."_  
_"How can you be so cruel?", you whispered, gritted your teeth to stop your lip from quivering, "Why are you even here, if you don't have anything nice to say?"_  
_"I'm only being realistic", he shrugged and you felt the sudden urge to smack him right in the face. Before you were able to raise your voice he tapped your blade sheath. The sound rang way too loud in your ears. "Just make sure you're prepared for the worst. See you on the other side."_

_Your brain needed some time to process the words directed at you, as the Captain started to leave to square off, to understand their meaning. 'See you on the other side', 'I'm only being realistic'._

_He expected to die during this mission himself. The famous Levi Ackermann felt uneasy. Maybe anxious even. So what was the point in him being here, giving you this pep talk? To say goodbye? To get rid of this feelings drilling a hole in his chest, his heart, himself? If someone were to survive this mission, it would be him, you were quite sure of it._

_"Wait!", you stopped him and Levi shot you a glance over his shoulder, curiosity lingering in his gaze, "Would you please tell Hange to ... not look for me?" Your tongue felt heavy as these words rolled off of it._  
_"What?"_  
_"I don't want them to see me like this, I want to ...", you took a deep breath, "I want them to remember me differently." Instinctively your fist beat on your chest in a salute, fingers gripping tightly onto the winged patch right above your heart and ripped it off in one swift motion. For a few moments your eyes were glued to the tattered piece of fabric, originally symbolizing freedom, but right now you couldn't get rid of this feeling of being caged, being trapped. Felt relieved by offering it to Levi._

_He knew what it meant. Usually a piece of someone's uniform was the only thing they were able to bring back to their loved ones, once a Survey Corps soldier fell in battle. When it was too dangerous to retrieve their corpse, too cruel to return the remaining limps. More human to offer them a small bloody piece of their belongings. If you had known this would happen, you had left behind something more personal for your lover._

_Silence. You expected him to snap at you again, for not listening, for straight up ignoring his advice, his order._

_"I will make sure four-eyes doesn't do anything stupid", Levi promised instead and reached out to snatch the winged patch off your palm, "Captain." Then he was gone, swallowed by the crowd of horses and soldiers, stuffed your offering into the pocket of his uniform. Leaving you with all these new and old worries, these fears. By now you were almost certain these would be your last hours, maybe just minutes, alive. Even though your request directed at Levi had been designed to lift him up, to scold him for even considering he wouldn't survive this, your words had also been genuine. The last thing you wanted was Hange looking for you, stumbling over your battered up corpse, maybe even blaming themselves for what happened. This little piece of you was supposed to give them some sort of comfort, some sort of closure, but at the same time you knew it wouldn't be enough for them to let go._

_To let you go. And you couldn't help but feel the same way._

_Your thoughts and worries pushed you closer and closer to the edge and as soon as Erwin's flare gun signaled the start of the mission, you straightened your back and took a deep breath. Shutting out every emotion which possibly could be able to distract you._

_If you were to die then not without putting up a fight._

The silence was loud. So loud. Nearly unbearable. Threatened to pierce your ears and squash your brain. Your mind kept slipping in and out of dream and reality, you weren't sure what was right or wrong, up or down, what had actually happened and not. Your whole body felt like burning up, your limbs were shaking and the pain paralyzed you. Your heart beat painfully against your ribcage, caused you to groan and gasp for air. You couldn't see. Everything in front of your eyes was pitch black, except the occasional bright stars and bolts. Were you awake? Were you even alive? Or was that what death felt like?

_Make it stop, please. Just make it stop._

Distant voices shattered the quiet, but they weren't able to reach you through your daze. Warm hands on your back, your face, your shoulders, were lifting the pain off of you for a little while, but caused it to return with much more force as soon as you lost the touch. Memories, the strong feeling of anxiety, the smell and taste of blood and sweat came back to you. Your hands clinging on the reins of your horse like a lifeline, screams of agony and fear all around you, boulders hitting and smashing down soldiers and mares alike. The bloodcurdling sound of crushed bones and ruptured organs was something you would never be able to forget.

You stared death in the face splits of second before meeting it. Another devastating rain of boulders darkened the sky above your heads and at this moment you knew; you were going to die. The fear deafened you, blinded you, shut down your ability to think, triggered your fight or flight instinct and every pore, every cell in your body started screaming;

_I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die._

The choice was made for you, rather than you actively making it yourself. Right before the deadly projectiles in the size of small carts reached you, you yanked the rein around, startled your horse as much as yourself as it was forced to change direction, to break out, much faster than it was able to. It struggled to stay on it's hooves, nearly got stuck in the stomach of a corpse it accidentally stomped right into. The squishing noise it made nearly caused you to vomit, but you had no regrets. Not now, not yet. All you could think about was getting away, fleeing, hiding until the horrors were all over. Abandoning the mission, abandoning your fellow soldiers just to get the chance to live another day, to see Hange again.

_To live. To live. To live._

The Beast Titan lastly brought your mind already raising hope back to the harsh reality. Right before you another Survey Corps member was getting buried underneath the deadly projectiles raining down all around you. It was too late to stop, it was too late to evade, it was too late to react. The sudden force of his and his horse's fall brought you right down with him, flung you out of the saddle like a rag doll. Maybe it was fate, punishment for deserting. Your whole world turned upside down, pain exploded in your stomach, your legs, your face felt numb as it drove straight into the mud. You couldn't help but scream and cry, inhaling blood and dirt, choking on it, fingers digging into the ground, searching for something, someone, to hold onto. Your head was throbbing, every limb beneath your hip felt numb, blackness all around you. Your own heartbeat vibrated close to deafening in your head, seemed to be beating to the tact of an invisible drum, drowning out all the noise, all the screaming, leaving you alone with your agony, your guilt.

"I'm sorry", a voice, you weren't sure belonged to you, cried, your mind violently fighting off the painful silence, fighting off the painful memories, leaving you with only white noise, "I'm so sorry I was weak, I'm so sorry I tried to abandon you, I'm so sorry, I'm

so

sorry

Drenched in sweat and with your teeth clenched down painfully your eyes snapped open.

It was bright and quiet and you were surrounded by familiar scents. The pain was mostly gone, replaced with some sort of comfortable numbness. Your sore muscles and neatly bandaged wounds rested on soft bedding. It was morning. Warm sunlight found it's way through the curtains on the window. A collection of medicine, bandages, needles and dry as well as fresh flowers were overflowing your bedside table.

It was quiet. So quiet. But this time you didn't feel uncomfortable. Confused maybe. Curious. A little uneasy. But weirdly safe and calm. You had no idea what had happened after your - what you had expected it to be - deadly fall. You had been certain you had died. You would have deserved it, after what you had done. What you had actively decided to do. But now with all these feelings still there, with all your senses intact, now you were not so sure anymore.

You eyes scanned the room. It was your room. Back within the safety of the walls. You were covered with two heavy blankets, only dressed in shorts and a simple grey shirt, which faintly smelled like ash and damp wood, but your body was comfortably warm. Two chairs, you didn't recall being part of your usual decor, were placed right beside your bed - both abandoned. One was in reach of the medical supplies on the bedside table, the other a bit farther away, closer to the window, though still in reach. The usually naked wooden seat was hidden beneath a small tower of pillows and a blanket draped over the backrest. Right beside it the floorboards were covered by a messy pile of books, a water bottle in their midst and countless empty food ration wraps. It seemed like someone had been camping on this uncomfortable chair for a long time.

Carefully you tried to move your limbs to push your body in a seating position. They were shaking and arching and screaming in pain, so you had to grit your teeth to not let a whimper slip. You had trouble breathing through your nose. It felt stuffed and swollen. Quickly you figured out, that flexing your muscles hurt like hell, but didn't compare in the slightest to what you had been feeling minutes, hours, days, maybe weeks ago even - you couldn't tell. You were recovering and you were glad you were still alive, but still couldn't help and let these dark thoughts, that you didn't deserve this second chance at life you had been gifted, occupy your mind. Slowly taking over, devouring it.

Why were you still alive? Why were all your friends and fellow soldiers dead, rotting away on this battlefield, while you enjoyed the privilege of getting your wounds treated?

_Hange._

Their name burned itself onto your heart, your lungs, like a stigma. You took a rattling and painful breath. You had been so occupied with yourself, your anxiety of staring death right in the face and barely escaping it, that you didn't even spend a moment thinking about them. They had been fighting right on the other side of the wall - just a few meters away.  
Probably had suffered through physical as well as emotional pain and watched friends die just like you did.  
Probably had felt powerless and weak and desperate, but were forced to push through, to set an example as the commanding officer. To inspire hope.

And possibly didn't make it through.

Suddenly you felt incredibly guilty. Then downright terrified. Sick even. Your vision blurred. What if you survived, but they didn't? What if you had abandoned every morale and every promise you had given to Erwin and your other superiors, while they had died sticking to theirs? Grief and anger and pain boiled up inside you and you were barely able to contain it, to keep it down. You couldn't help but choke.

'What we do is so much bigger than our lives. If I have to die to launch humanity just a step forward, then I'm more than ready to do so.'

Your lover's words rang loudly in your ears, but were quickly drowned out by a bodyless voice, deep and threatening and frightening, inside your mind beating you up, insulting you, reminding you of all your mistakes and failures.

You are a stupid and selfish coward. You don't deserve them. You act like you care about them, but all you really care about is yourself, just admit it. You don't deserve the safety of the walls.

You don't deserve this second chance.

But before your inner demons overwhelmed you, the door to your room opened. And silence polluted the air when an amber eye locked on your small and broken form.

You didn't know what to think, you didn't know what to feel. Your head and heart, so busy just a brief second ago, were empty as you stared down Hange standing in the doorway, the knob still between their slender fingers, a half full bucket of water in their other hand and a stack of paper towels tucked underneath their arm. The voices were still faintly whispering in your head, scratching on the insides of your mind, clouding your heart, but this budding feeling in your stomach was stronger. Brighter. Warmer. More powerful. Like the sun itself. Quickly it filled out your insides, caused your limbs to tingle and send goosebumps traveling over your skin. It pushed through your throat and lastly pressed down on your vocal cords. To send out words which caused the air, the space still separating you, to swing.

"Hey you", were the two sets of letters your brain was able to form, to give proper meaning to and that your broken body were able to handle. You noticed a bright and relieved smile settling down on your lover's lips, their pale cheeks turning pink and their eye suddenly seemed more watery than it was supposed to be.  
"Hey yourself", Hange answered firmly, but still barely able to keep their voice steady, which was impregnated with that familiar loving and at the same time playful tone, they always chose when being alone with you.  
The same one they had chosen when they confessed.  
The same low hum they used to choose to purr sweet nothings into your ear when resting their chin on your shoulder, arms circling your waist from behind.  
The same tone dripping with affection they had chosen to tell you that everything would turn out all right.  
All these memories flooding back to you was what finally broke the dam. There was no stopping it, even if you tried. In a matter of seconds your eyes were drowning in tears and the salty water dripped down your cheeks. Your jaw clenched at the same time your lips started quivering and your battered up nose caused every single sniffing back of snot you were forced to take to result in terrible pain and headache.

Relief. It was utter relief you felt witnessing them occupying the space in the door frame, alive and breathing and unharmed and even if you knew something was up, something was different, your mind had too much to focus on to locate it right away. But it wasn't important. Not right now, not in this moment. They were breathing and talking and still holding on to life ...  
"I'm so glad", you wept, your words barely comprehensibly, as your trembling hands already started wiping away the tears blinding you, blurring Hange's form, robbing you of the sight your scarred heart needed so desperately, "I'm so glad you're alive."

Even though you directed these words at your lover, your own mind seemed to pick up these combinations of letters being spoken out loud immediately. You had been punishing yourself, abusing your heart and soul for leaving, for being scared, of having doubts, for abandoning everything you had committed your heart to. But deep down you wanted someone to forgive you. To assure you they were glad that your body still functioned. To assure you they glad that you were still here. To assure you they were relieved that you pulled through.

The illusion of this unfamiliar voice, throaty and sore and husy, leaving your mouth was enough to cause your body to react.

_I'm glad you're alive. I'm glad you're still here. I'm glad you made it._

_I'm glad it's all over._

You heard the sound of wood meeting wood and hasty footsteps and soon warm hands clasped yours tightly and squeezed them comfortingly. "Of course I'm here", Hange whispered, their deep and soothing voice right beside your ear, "You're not getting rid of me that easily."  
Even though their joke was highly inappropriate considering the situation you couldn't help but laugh, which in return caused your bruised body to cry and arch in protest and send a wave of pain through your system. "You stupid jerk", you sobbed inbetween the gritting of teeth, your eyes closed as your partner's forehead gently met with yours, connecting, spending warmth and comfort. Their fingers were caressing your hands and wrists lovingly and besides their composed demeanor you noticed them shaking. Trembling ever so slightly.

"You stole my line", Hange chuckled, palms moving up your arms and shoulders to your cheeks and taking the job of wiping away your tears with their thumbs, angling your head to finally catch a proper glimpse of you, "I'm the one who is over the moon. Welcome back, love.". Their face was so close to yours, you felt their hot breath tickle your skin. So close that you were about able to count every dirty strand of hair decorating their sweaty forehead. Faint bruises covered their worried and at the same time relieved features, proof of the trauma of the battle at Shiganshina they probably weren't able to shake off as well. You were curious to hear their side of things, but terrified of it at the same time.

Suddenly your stomach cramped painfully. Earlier you hadn't been able to tell what was different about them, the brief second your eyes had scanned them, but now that your noses were almost touching it hit you like the Female Titan's hardened fist.

_Guilt._

"Your eye", you breathed, finally able to control your voice and emotions again and reached out to push their goggles up their nose and onto their head, to touch the clean bandage going right around their head, hiding the spot where their left eye should be, "What happened to your eye?" Fingertips brushed over the rough material. It seemed like someone took take of the injury just recently.

Your lover's facial expression barely shifted as they pulled their hands away and put some distance between you and you could hardly contain a whimper at the loss of their warmth. If your prying and touching without permission had upset them in any way, they didn't show it. "How about we take this one step at a time?", they suggested instead of answering your question, got back up on their feet to pick up the bucket of water and the paper towels scattered on the floor at the door where they had dropped them. As they returned to their spot on the chair at your bedside a warm smile decorated their lips once more. "I was just about to change your bandages. May I?"  
"Sure, go ahead", you agreed, though you couldn't help but feel uneasy by them changing the topic this quickly. What had happened to them that they were hiding it beneath this carefree facade?  
"What do you need me to do?"  
"Lift up your arms for me."

Obediently you followed their orders and raised your arms, which wasn't as easy as of a task as you had expected it to be and swiftly Hange removed the simple gray shirt you had been wearing. Just now you noticed it being stained with dry blood; and also it belonging to your lover. As you examined your own now half naked body for the first since the battle you could also tell why. Bandages were wrapped tightly around your torso, right underneath your bare chest area, yet they were plastered with even more prominent stains. The skin still showing was covered in colorful bruises.

You gritted your teeth at the sight alone.

"Asking, if it still hurts, would be a kind of stupid question, wouldn't it?", Hange commented, following your gaze.  
"It ... could be worse", you answered reluctantly, persistently ignoring the throbbing pain creeping up your sides.  
"No need to play tough, shorty", they teased and reached out to loosen the clasps holding the bandages in place, "We all know you're in pretty rough shape. Everyone was worried you would never wake up."  
You decided to let them have this one opportunity to use this hated nickname of yours, just this once, as they assisted you to sit up more straight to unwrap your body properly.  
"Everyone?", you groaned, "How many people have seen me like this?"  
"You mean naked?"  
"How can you still make these jokes?", you wanted to know and your eyes still sore from crying earlier rested on your lover. Their expression was hard to read.

Silence. Once more uncomfortable silence. For some tense seconds they didn't answer, while they tossed the used bandage and inspected the wounds decorating your left side, starting at your hip and leading all the way up to were your rips began - misshapen holes punched through the skin, now freshly sewed up. You were able to spot the threats with your naked eye. Exposed like that the bruises looked even worse, intercepted by the dark red, nearly black, cuts and gashes, desperately but cleanly patched up. You were convinced they had already started to heal, but you still had a long way too go.

"Because it's the only thing that kept me going", Hange finally shattered the silence and dipped one of the paper towels in the bucket filled with water. Hearing the soft splashing you noticed how dry your mouth was and how thirsty you were, but you tried to suppress these urges.  
"At the beginning, when we pulled you out of these pile of corpses, they all were convinced you wouldn't make it." With great care they maneuvered your body back onto the mattress and started to clean your skin, the towel soon colored bright red. The cold water felt incredibly soothing and a quiet and comfortable sigh escaped your lips.  
"You were running a fever, you had lost so much blood. Even bringing you back to Trost was a risk. You stopped breathing once on the way here."  
Just hearing their narrative nearly caused you to tear up again, your chest and lungs to tighten. You couldn't even imagine what you would have felt like if it had been you with Hange's time slowly running out, like sand escaping between your fingers and being unable to stop it. Unable to help. To have to witness them suffer and wither away and die.

It probably would have killed you as well.

"We did everything we could do stabilize you", Hange continued and tossed the bloody towel to let a fresh one soak up the water in the bucket at their feet, "I didn't leave your side for hours. The first day neither. The second day I finally managed to get some sleep, but ..." Their hand resting on your shoulder for comfort was shaking, cramping a little.  
"I was terrified you would be dead by the time I woke up. That you would pass away while I wasn't paying attention."  
Finally Hange lifted their head to focus you directly and the pain and fear and desperation was plastered all over their features.  
"All I could think about was ... how it was my fault, for telling you the mission was more important than our lives. For letting you run into certain death, thinking it was okay to throw your life away for the Survey Corps."  
You could have sworn you could hear them spitting out the words, a certain uneasiness and anger in their voice.  
"I'm sorry for letting you have these doubts and fears and ..." Hange interrupted themselves and took a shaking breath. For a brief second time ground to a halt and their hand, dedicated to the tireless task of washing your own dried blood off of your body, froze.  
"But while I was sitting here, day in and day out, in the end there was only this one hope I had left. You can call it stupid or childish. But all I could think about was, that you would never leave me, without getting mad at me for calling you shorty one last time." Hange's amber colored eye was suddenly swimming in tears and you noticed them grimace to stop themselves from revealing even more of their feelings. To prevent them from breaking down. It was rare seeing them like that; usually so strong and composed, laughing off their fears and worries. But right now you witnessed them in an intimate moment of pure desperation.

For a matter of seconds that felt like hours you weren't able to react, then you took a shaking breath. You seemed to be moving on your own as your body gathered all the strength it was able to muster, to push itself upright again, screaming in agony in the process, even caused white stars to explode right in front of your eyes, your world briefly going dark. You still managed to firmly close the distance between you and your lover to place a soft kiss onto their lips. Taken aback by your initiative they whispered your name, but before the last letter rolled of their tongue you quieted them with another kiss. Hange let out a muffled sigh, resembling a suppressed moan, which caused the tiny hairs on your skin to tingle.

Desperately your hand gripped onto your lovers mustard colored shirt, scared they would slip away underneath your fingertips if you didn't, that everything would turn out to be just a dream and you would wake up any second, back at the feet of the Titan army, back on the battlefield you never wanted to return to. Their arm carefully circled your waist, making sure they didn't brush any of your still fresh wounds, as you parted your lips to give them easier access, to feel more of them and they eagerly took the invitation and deepened your intimate contact. Warm thoughts and feelings flooded your mind as the both of you were comforting one another with pure love and affection, featherlight touches and silent promises, only audible for you and them and no one else.

Two kisses turned into three, then four, both of you gasping for air during the scarce moments your lips didn't connect, before your lover placed another one onto our jawline, where a particular nasty gash had cut your skin open. You refused to let go as they reluctantly finally parted their skin from yours, fingers still digging into their shirt, letting out a quiet moan of disapproval at the loss of contact and warmth. The sudden chill you felt reminded you you were still naked from the waist up. While heating up you realized, that your initial intent to comfort could have come off as much more sexual in your current situation than you had intended it to be.

"You tried to prove something with that surprise attack?", your superior joked and confirmed your thoughts, while still catching their breath, cheeks flushed and a faint smirk resting on their lips, "Here I am, laying my heart out bare in front of you and you're just trying to get me hot and bothered."  
"Do me a favor and shut up for just one second", you pleaded, but couldn't stop your own cheeks from burning up and changing color in embarrassment. For a second time you rested your palm onto their cheek and grateful they leaned into the touch, as your thumb caressed the skin around the bandages, eyelids fluttering. Your eyes locked with their amber orb and you witnessed their honest feelings and needs swirling right underneath the surface. For the first time since you woke up your mind was clear. You needed it to be. It was important they would understand what you were trying to convey.  
"You can call me shorty whenever you like now then", you assured them, your lip quivering, voice breaking right at the last syllable, "Tease me about it whenever and as much as you want, I don't care, I will never get mad at you again for it, you understand?"

First Hange seemed confused at your statement, furrowed their brows as their brain processed and connected the words to your earlier conversation. Then their features suddenly froze and tears flooded your own eyes as you witness with a smile tugging at the corner of your lips, how their relief and joy and affection took over their facial features and how they had to hold themselves back to not pull you into a possibly bone crushing hug.  
"I don't deserve you", they laughed and the sound alone ringing in your ears was nearly enough to cure you of every injury your body had to suffer right there on the spot.  
"Hange Zoë", you stated officially and another laugh escaping their throat was accompanied by a choked sob, "I promise, I will dedicate my heart again for the cause, but this time for the only one that matters and ever will. Where my only obligation is, to stay right at your side."  
You reached out to find your lover's hand and gently laced your fingers with theirs.

"I will dedicate my heart to you."

**Author's Note:**

> Since the other FF had been pretty angsty and tragic, I wanted to do a version with a happy ending. Never expected this one to come out at 10k words though. But I had fun with it. And lots of sleepless nights.


End file.
